Doctor What?
by Flywheel Shyster and Flywheel
Summary: Marie Kanker lives a simple life... And she hates it. School, her trailer, the whole damn neighbourhood. Most of all, she can't help feeling like there's something, someone, missing from the bigger picture. Never would she imagined that someone to be a substitute teacher called John Smith...


To say that Marie Kanker was bored with her life was an understatement.

Take that particular morning for instance. She had awoken, as per usual, in the king sized bed she shared with her two sisters _because _of her two sisters. After grumbling and cursing her sister Lee's particularly sharp toenails, she had slowly dragged herself downstairs to shower; only to discover that the water wasn't working.

"HEY, LEE!" It was not an amused 18-year old who emerged from the Kanker bathroom with a towel wrapped around her. "WATER'S NOT WORKING!"

"FIX IT YOURSELF, I'M SLEEPING!" It wasn't unusual that the Kanker sisters slept in for quite some time, especially on school days, but ever since the principal of Peach Creek High School warned Marie that her grades, and therefore her chances of getting into college, were slipping fast, she had made a serious effort to actually involve herself in her school work.

"FUCK!" Something that didn't improve her mood by far, evidenced by the jar of instant coffee that zoomed across the trailer's living room and shattered against the opposite wall. She stared at the broken shards, not a single thought to clean them up crossed her mind. Instead, she just popped in a single piece of bread in the toaster and went back upstairs to get dressed; mentally exhausted not even ten minutes into her day.

Had she chosen to stay in the kitchen while her bread slice toasted, she would have been able to see the day's first ray of sun enter through the window and land on the table and maybe, she would have had received some sort of peace of mind. And instead of rummaging around in the closet she shared with her sisters, and flipping her sisters off a good three times, she would have seen how, for the briefest of moment, a shadow blocked that ray of light.

* * *

By the time she had actually gotten to school, her mood had plunged so far, every thought she had had so far was some variation to how many people she could kill with a number 2 pencil before someone would sound the alarm. Not to mention that Lee or May had snuck down to steal her toast so she hadn't had any breakfast either.

The heavier music of blink-182 rung throughout her brain; while she did pay some attention during the actual classes, she had absolutely no intention to actually interact with anyone outside of them. Which is why, before every class started, one would usually find Marie in the far back with music leaking out of her earbuds, rarely looking up at all from her half collapsed position over the small desk.

Once in a while though, she did look up and only then to take a good look at her classmates... Who she all hated. For as long as she could remember, she had been in the same class with the same ten people. And it wasn't just homeroom, it was _every stinkin' _subject. While it may seem unorthodox for a high school class to have such a low number of students, one must remember that not only was Peach Creek High School indeed a very unorthodox school; Peach Creek itself was a very small community, located very far from the nearest high school one town over, that could very well have been located anywhere. Marie hated that too; her class was such a small town_ stereotype!_

There was Nazz; the head cheerleader, blonde of course, who seemed to be the apple of every teacher's eye and the subject of every male student (and a few teachers') affection who was, in their now senior year, still dating Kevin, the cocky quarterback for the school's football team. You could bet that the two would be sitting next to each other in every class there was; Kevin wouldn't let it be any other way. Did I fail to mention that he was very overprotective?

She moved her lethal glare from Nazz's back to the seat on Kevin's other side; the immigrant farmer, Rolf, who still couldn't speak proper English fully after living in Peach Creek for a good ten years or so. The worst thing she knew was when his damn animals, for he had decided that a full fledged farm in the middle of a Cul-de-Sac wasn't weird at all, started to make noises that echoed all over the place at 3 a.m. To be fair though, Rolf was the only one she could actually stand out of them; being paired together for a history assignment some time back, they bonded over the fact that they both had lost an eye; he in an unfortunate tractor accident last year, she from a drunken father as a young girl.

Then, there was the empty seat. Jonny, that _very _weird kid who lugged around a plank with a smiley face drawn on it _way_ into his teens, was never there for the first classes of the day; he had struck a deal with the principal that in order to finish his senior year of high school, he had to visit the counsellor first thing in the morning. She didn't know why and she honest to God didn't care; he had never been anything but an irritating creep to her.

The two twerps Jimmy and Sarah, who were some years younger than the rest but had been thrown in the class due to what that god damned principal had called 'budget cuts', had moved their desks together and were huddled close over a girly magazine. When she did bother, she often wondered if Jimmy was gay or applying some very intense scheme to get into Sarah's pants. Either way, she couldn't care. They both feared her to no end and that suited her just fine.

Lastly, there were the two Eds'. They were the only ones who would sit in the back, not with her but next to her, though it was only because they were even more of outcasts than she was. It had just always been that way; probably due to the fact that all throughout their childhood, Eddy had unsuccessfully attempted to scam everyone out of their cash. Unsuccessfully because of Ed; the two of them just never seemed to have enough brain cells between them to actually accomplish anything. Once the kids had had enough after a particularly devastating scheme, they chased the two half way out of Peach Creek before the biggest brawl ever broke out. The duo was however saved when her two sisters, who had always had a crush on them, interfered and kicked the living shit out of the other kids.

It had been like that ever since. The kids hated both the Eds' and the two Kanker sisters (they were sort of apathetic towards Marie since she had stayed home and watched TV that day), the Eds' hated the other kids (Eddy at least, Ed didn't seem to have many opinions of his own) as well as Lee and May. You could say her sisters' way of showing their crush, chasing Ed and Eddy in and out of every corner of Peach Creek and force themselves upon them once they were caught, was something that Marie had always looked upon in disgust. That sort of desperation... It was pathetic in her eyes.

She couldn't help but feel a bit... Empty though. Like there was something, _someone _missing in her life. At the end of the day, the class was all paired up; Blondie and the jock, Rolf and his wife Gerta (who still lived in whatever country they both came from, it had never been quite clear), Jimmy and Sarah, the two Eds' and her sisters (she figured the two guys would just give up in the end) Who did that leave her with? Schizoid Jonny? She'd rather be alone.

A sigh escaped her; life was _shit._

She felt a weak tap on her right shoulder and reacted accordingly. Her glare had no effect on the ever happy Ed who only grinned and looked back to the front of the classroom where their principal had appeared.

"_Fuck this place, I lost the war! I hate you all; your mom's a whore!_"

'_What the fuck?_' It was then she realized she still had her music on.

"- Due to the unfortunate arrests of Mr. Nathanson and Mr. Ridenhour, you will receive substitute teachers in their respective subjects until further notice." Seriously, didn't he have anything better to do with his time?

"What did they get arrested for, sir?" Marie groaned, placed her head on top of her crossed arms and silently counted to ten; she was not beyond standing up there and then and give Nazz a piece of her mind about the blonde's attempts at ass-kissing.

"Usingthechemistrylabtocookme th-"

"What?"

"Okay!" He clapped his hands together. "Let's all give a big welcome to your substitute teacher in history; Mr. John Smith!" Marie didn't even make an effort to join in the small round of applause; most coming from the five students not in the back.

"Oh, the fashion!" She heard Jimmy exclaim in a whispered hush.

"Salutations!"

'_Who the fuck talks like that?_' Was Marie's first thought.

"As Principal Antonucci so kindly pointed out, my name is John Smi- I'm fine, thank you, Principal-"

"Oh, don't mind me at all."

"Oh, I would very much prefer it if you went back to whatever important principal business you may have; experience tells me that students feel pressured to perform when there is more than one figure of authority in the classroom. In this case, you happen to be an even higher form of authority as you are my superior and-" This is where Marie lifted her head; no teacher, certainly no substitute, had ever told the principal off.

The man, John Smith, seemed... Young, almost too young; he actually looked to be around her own age. But the clothing sure didn't match his youthful appearance, hell; his clothing didn't even match itself. The first thing he had done was to throw a calf length duster over the teacher's chair, revealing two separate dress shirts with a cravat tied neatly around the first shirt's collar and a bow tie hanging untied, flopping around when he moved. The suspenders, under one of which a stick of celery protruded, held up a pair of black jeans and the most absurd thing was, apart from the black beanie that covered all his hair, the long, multi-colored scarf draped loosely around his neck, dragging along the floor. Jimmy had been right; he looked like he had tripped into the drama department's Halloween closet before entering.

"- It may cause them to lose focus from myself and instead worry endlessly about your, subtle as it would be, presence. So in the end, maybe... Uhm-" He gestured towards Rolf who only looked confused to no end. Kevin, who was nothing but amused by the substitute's tirade, leaned in to his farmer friend.

"He wants to know your name, dude."

"Rolf!"

"- Maybe young Rolf here will go about thinking that the instigation of World War I came as a result of the Americans wanting the British treacle tarts for the Boston Tea Party! So while I personally may not mind, these young students' minds might mind!" Principal Antonucci was flabbergasted; not only had he never been spoken to like that by an employee, but there was something in the man's way of speaking that made him feel... Less important. Like his authority didn't mean squat around this man, John Smith.

"Very- Very well, I'll... I'll go about my business then, Mr. Smith..." He left the room sullenly, wondering what in the name of Edward Rooney had just happened.

"'Don't mind me at all'... Mind... Something about a mind..." The oddly dressed man paused for a moment, staring at a spot just over Marie's head. That was the first time she saw them. His eyes. They, if possible, were even more out of place than his clothing for they seemed far too old to be his. It was unlike any eyes she had ever seen; burning with the force of a thousand suns while being frozen in a sta- She really should've had breakfast. "Right, history!" And just like that, he smiled and his eyes appeared perfectly normal.

"Ehm, dude?" Kevin raised his hand and Mr. Smith turned to face him.

"Yes, uhm..."

"Kevin."

"Kevin! Of course you are!" Smith extended his hand and the jock insecurely did the same, a firm and confident handshake that also seemed out of place for such a young person.

"Yeah... I gotta ask, what happened, dude?" The substitute looked down to inspect his clothing when Kevin discretely nodded towards it.

"Oh, right, my clothes!" He held up the longer end of the scarf at eye height and studied it in detail. "I distinctively remember having one of these in a burgundy shade... But the Chameleon Circuit wasn't working..."

"... Dude?" Kevin had dealt with some absent minded people in his life (Ed being a class act) but this guy took every price in all the categories. In his own words, a real dork. Although mouthing off to Antonucci had been pretty cool.

"Pardon? Oh, yes! You must forgive me; it has been a hectic morning indeed!" He spun around, Marie couldn't help but snicker when the scarf slapped Kevin in the face, and carefully climbed on top of the desk; crossing his legs and peering out over the class, carefully studying them one by one. Marie felt a tingle of unease when his gaze seemed to linger a second longer on her but he made no reaction to it and moved on to Sarah. "As previously stated, I'm John Smith, your substitute teacher in History! There is only one rule in my class, and it is one of grave importance; there are _no unintelligent questions_. Oh, and no dark sarcasm in the classroom. Well, I assume that's two rules… But! As I've already received my first question, I shall answer it accordingly." He paused and waited to see if anyone had a response to his short set of rules.

"What a nut job." Marie overheard Sarah whisper to Jimmy. Sure, he was... Weird, he didn't seem to know what the hell he was doing and he wasn't really dressed for _any _occasion but that didn't make him a nut job. Marie knew nut jobs; she'd been in a class of one since forever.

"My, perhaps a bit unorthodox, clothing can be explained quite simply. After the crash, I found that not only had the library, the boot cupboard and the wardrobe been moved around, the temporal gravity field that surrounds them had shifted as well; resulting my rather unfortunate fall straight into the depths of the wardrobe. The expedition to climb out did not meet the planned time frame so once I had escaped; I had no time to review or change my outfit in order to arrive here at the time set by Principal Antonucci." Let's observe the different reactions Smith's answer brought about.

Rolf's, Sarah's, Jimmy's and Nazz's mouths all hung opened by the end of it.

Kevin's, Eddy's and Marie's left eyebrows were raised in scepticism; not only to the story but to the man's sanity.

"It could have been avoided had the tetraneutronic terraelementary boosters been activated!" Reacting to Ed's reaction, all eight heads in the classroom turned towards the lovable oaf who just grinned as goofily as ever.

"You're... Absolutely right; I had an awful lot on my mind- well, my old mind- and managed to forget it..." Smith fell into silence and observed Ed even closer than before.

"Ed, you feelin' aight?" Eddy was rarely worried for his friend, he was intelligent enough to dress himself in the morning, but he had never, _ever_, said anything remotely close to coherent and now… He had said _something_ that had apparently made sense to Smith.

"Fit as a violin, Eddy!" Deciding the moment was over, possibly forever, the class turned back to the front where Smith seemed to attempt staring into Ed's mind.

"Mr. Smith?" Nazz raised her hand.

"Hmm?"

"Nazz, sir." Marie rolled her eyes and made a face of disgust. "How old are you?" Kevin's eyes grew wide at the question and when he turned to look at his girlfriend, he saw her biting her lip in a rather seductive manner. His internal monster of jealousy once again showed its ugly face (for while it was the first time he had seen Nazz flirt with another guy, he had punched many a faces in for flirting with her) and as a result, he suddenly hated everything about the man sitting on a desk in front of him.

"Thirty-two."

"No. Way." The words just slipped out of Sarah's mouth; she might've hated weirdos (her brother Ed being the main weirdo in her opinion) but while this man certainly was a grade A weirdo, he was also very cute. However, upon seeing the dreamy look in his friend's eyes and the small hearts she had absent mindedly started to draw on her desk, Jimmy too began to mindlessly hate their substitute teacher who, after not five minutes, had wooed two thirds of the female students. Who did he think he was?

"Very well then; two thousand, one hundred and seventeen, more or less."

"No, seriously." The Peach Creek Cobblers' quarterback violently snapped his pencil in half after seeing the same dreamy look appear in Nazz's eyes.

"Seriously? Two thousand one hundred and seventeen. So let's say… Twenty-two."

"You look so much younger…"

"Do I?" First then did Smith stop staring intensely at Ed, who seemed completely unaware about it, and focused his eyes upon the blonde cheerleader. "You wouldn't happen to carry a small mirror with you, would you, Nazz?"

"Sure, Mr. Smith!"She almost swooned at the fact that he remembered her name and this time, Marie couldn't hide her snort when Nazz started to frantically search her stylish handbag. This did not go unnoticed by Smith whose gaze instantly rested on her.

"I'm sorry; I don't think I caught your name…" Several of the teens gasped and had they dared to drop one, a pin could have hit the floor with a deafening sound. For you see, it was common knowledge around the teacher staff that if you actually left the three Kanker sisters alone and didn't bother them, they could sit calmly through the classes and mind their own business. This wasn't always shared with the substitutes however; something that one Mr. O'Reilly figured out the hard way when he gave Lee Kanker detention for chewing gum. Even O'Reilly himself began to doubt what had happened when ten eyewitnesses swore that they did not see Lee slam a chair over his back in the school cafeteria three hours later.

"Marie." She wasn't her sister though; sure, she'd punched a motherfucker or two in her day but never for simply wanting to know her name. It was what came afterwards that decided the fate of his face.

"Marie_…_"

"Marie Kanker."

"Tell me, Marie Kanker…" Smith jumped off the desk in a swift movement and started to slowly make his way towards her own desk. Nazz, who had been one of the gasping teens, didn't even notice when his hand went in and out of her bag for she, as the rest, was close to petrified by the tension that Marie's and Smith's staring match was causing.

"What." It wasn't a question, it wasn't a statement; it was a dare from her side to make the first move. Inside however, she could almost feel herself quiver under his stone cold watch. Those eyes…

"How." He had finally reached her desk and everyone in the room, even Marie, was holding their breath as the two seemed to lean closer and closer to each other. "Do I look?" Pause.

"What?" This time, it was a question.

"How do I look?" If Smith's face hadn't been dead serious, she would've burst out laughing. This would also be the place where our story would be cut tragically short as Jimmy would've run out into the hallways, flailing his arms around in panic screaming "RAPEEEEEE!" if it hadn't been for the fact that the young teenager was absolutely mortified. "No, seriously; how do I look? Eddy?" Said Eddy, who had been absolutely fine being ignored by the strange man so far now whimpered in his seat as the beanie clad man turned to him instead. "This is not a humorous line; I, cross my heart, have yet to see my own appearance!"

"Good."

"Pardon?" Smith spun around on the spot, narrowly avoiding slapping Ed in the face with the scarf.

"Good, I guess." Marie shrugged. In reality, she found herself strangely attracted to the man. Not because of his good looks, which she later admitted to herself were _really _good, but because of his larger than life way and the way he spoke; no one from Peach Creek ever used words like that. He smiled warmly at her answer before looking horrified.

"Oh, no; no, no. What am I doing? Am I... Am I asking students how my appearances are? How dreadfully inappropriate!" He suddenly looked from Eddy to Marie with a look of disgust and shame. "I do hope you can forgive me; I just don't know who I am!" Backing away from the back row of desks, he buried his face in his hands and slowly moved them upwards until he dragged off the beanie.

"Is Messerschmitt feeling, as they say, alright?" Rolf, who was no stranger to odd customs and wasn't even faced by the way Smith spoke, felt genuine concern for this man; he could sense deep within his marrow that his substitute teacher had recently been through something rough.

"I don't- I- Ed, was it?" Smith snapped his fingers and pointed in Ed's general direction.

"Still is!"

"Is it possible that in my strenuous efforts to escape the wardrobe, I continuously renewed the regeneration process?"

"Sounds portable!"

"Plausible, Ed."

"That I am!"

"Ooh, sudden craving for green eggs and ham..." The youthful man shook his head. "So- Of course..."

"15 hours since you escaped the White Witch!"

"Precisely my thought!"

"Hang on; is Lumpy here actually making sense?" Eddy raised a sceptic eyebrow and gestured to Ed who was cleaning his ear with the pointy end of a pen.

"I don't know; I don't even know if the words coming out of my mouth are making sense!"

"Yeah, they're not." Kevin, who had slid down the chair into the patented 'I'm a football player, I don't give a shit what you say, do your worst' pose, glared at the obviously confused man who didn't even pay him any attention, instead studying the outside of the make up mirror he suddenly remembered he held.

"A new man..." He snapped it open and took a look. "Oh, come now; what use is regeneration if the hair colour stays the same?!" Sarah shuddered in delight when he threw a quick, jealous glance at her. "Heavens; haven't seen a chin like that since..." His hands went up to the bow tie bouncing around against chest. "And, of course, the gap..." He slid his tongue over the small gap in his front teeth; Kevin and Jimmy's eyes darkened when their respective desk neighbours sighed deeply. "Still, not the worst. Thank you, Nazz." A satisfied smile spread across his face as he snapped the small mirror shut and placed it on said girl's desk.

"You're welcome..."

"Now that- Hold on." He stopped mid-movement in front of his own desk and placed a hand on his forehead and one over his stomach. "If you will excuse me for a moment." With that, he quickly strode out the room and left the students there, sitting in silence. Marie snickered silently before looked out the window, deeming it a waste of time to pay attention when the teacher had gone off to who knows where in the middle of class.

"What the fuck was Antonucci thinking?" Eddy was the first one to speak and to his initial fear, Kevin turned in his seat.

"He's so much of a dork, he could put the two of you out of a job."

"Gee, thanks, Kev."

"Rolf feels a tingle of unease as there is more to Messerschmitt than meets the eye."

"Course there is; he's fucking insane!"

"I don't like him."

"Why not, Jimmy? I think he's great..."

"I rest my case."

"Yo, Marie!" Kevin, who wasn't the least bit interested in what his girlfriend thought about their substitute teacher, called the young woman in the back.

"What?"

"What do you think of Smith?" Marie shrugged, she looked bored with the conversation already.

"We're thirty minutes in and he hasn't mentioned shit about history. I could deal with that."

"Amen, sister." Eddy chimed in.

"I do apologize for my sudden disappearance-" Before Kevin could continue his Smith-bashing, the man himself entered again; shovelling food into his mouth from a plate. "But as I'm still 'cookin', I am in dire need of some food in my system."

"A delicacy from your country, no?"

"This? No, no; I just made a quick visit to the school cafeteria. Who could have imagined butterscotch pudding to taste so well with meatballs?" Smith jumped back up on the desk, munching away.

"So, are you ever gonna talk about history?" Marie resisted the strong temptation of throwing her history book at the back of Kevin's head.

"Hmm? Oh, of course; you're probably shaking with anticipation!" He pierced three cocktail wieners on his fork and made a sweeping gesture with it. "How many in here have ever heard of a location called Canary Wh- No, that's no good. Androzani Mi- That's not it either... Terra Alph- I'm terribly sorry, what year is this?"


End file.
